The Meaning of My Existence

Ann Montilla

The Meaning of My Existence

        What is the meaning of life? I have thought this over for so many times in my head even when I was just a child. All mankind, past, present and future, share a common destiny and that is Death. If all men are meant to die, so why strive to survive? For years, I have tried in vain to search for the answer to all my unending questions. But the more I searched, the more the answers eluded me like a thief in the night. I just cannot find any meaning in life at all. Though I did not come from a broken family, but I am broken just the same.

        Years went by; I got married and have two sons of my own. It was a pretty hard life being young and penniless. I thought that marriage was the solution to my woes but I was wrong. My firstborn Ishmael has a difficult temperament to deal with when he was just a babe. I did not know what to do since I do not have younger siblings. He would cry relentlessly every day, always seeking for milk and my attention. I would carry him for hours until my arms ache. I was tired and could barely sleep. Everyday is the same routine.

        I was already back in school when I got pregnant with my youngest Miguel. It can’t be helped that people would look my way but still I persevered in school. I was in the Dean’s list by the end of the semester and just in time to give birth. Heartbreaking as it may be, my baby tested positive in G6PD deficiency according to his newborn screening results. For days I cried and cried and kept blaming myself for my son’s fate. I thought that maybe he would have been a healthy baby boy if I just haven’t tried hard in school.

        I admit I am weak. But it is only when a man is fearful that he can truly be brave. I never thought that in hardships I will find a reason to smile. Ishmael is now four and is truly a handsome and bright lad. He talks like an old man but I know he has a pure heart. Everywhere we go people would praise his beauty. He does not resemble me or his father in appearance but I thank God just the same. Miguel is almost two and he really loves to dance and he laughs very loud. He is never shy and people find him endearing. I consider him my miracle baby because God answered my prayers, Miguel is as healthy and normal as any child could be.

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